Not Quite a Meth Lab, Not Quite a Coffee Shop
by shattered-elysium
Summary: Eren swore that as long as he lived, he never wanted to see another candy cane again. Prostitute!Levi AU (not a one-shot wooo)


Eren was 90% positive that he wouldn't be sitting in this stupid café at this stupid table on this stupidly cold December night if his friends hadn't poured some alcohol into his system earlier; right now Jean was spewing some bullshit while not-so-subtly trying to run a hand up Armin's thigh, and Eren could almost _feel_ his eyebrow beginning to twitch.

"Tell me one more time, dipshit, why you brought me here?"

Jean stopped inching his hand toward Armin's belt buckle and pretended to consider the question. The blond sitting next to him glanced at him briefly before turning his head abruptly, gazing intently at the handwritten sign hanging from the ceiling of the coffee shop. Machines whirred behind the mahogany counter as the barista stirred up a couple orders, a pair of bulky goggles perched on her forehead and an apron dangling haphazardly from her shoulders. She was also wearing heavy-duty gloves to handle the coffee, something that Eren wasn't sure was necessary to brew the drink.

Not to mention that this coffee shop was located disturbingly close to the red-light district of Trost. An underground meth lab, Eren decided.

"You needed to get out of your smelly apartment!" Jean finally said, beaming at Eren's scowling face. "It's Christmas Eve!"

"Not with company like _you, _fuckface." Eren shot back, rolling his eyes and kicking Jean's shin – on accident, of course. "Let's get something to drink." He stood up laboriously, digging his beaten leather wallet out of his pocket and extracting a few crumpled bills.

"We'll order for you," Armin interjected, pushing Eren's shoulder slightly and forcing him back into the straight-backed chair. "We dragged you out here in the first place."

Grumbling about how Armin was only buying him something so that he wouldn't order any liquor, Eren cradled his chin with his right hand and watched the two friends walk up to the crazy-looking barista.

"He'd like the Candy Cane Special, please!" Jean announced with a flourish, brandishing some money at the brown-haired girl. He sent a triumphant smirk at Eren as the transaction was completed.

Eren would bet all of his dollar bills that Jean had just purchased an ounce of meth.

Jean sauntered back to the table, pushing aside a container of napkins to whisper conspiratorially in Eren's face. "Armin and I thought you seemed a bit lonely this Christmas."

"His idea to bring you here, not mine," Armin muttered, blushing slightly when Jean grasped his hand and tangled their fingers together. Sticking out his tongue in fake disgust, Eren averted his eyes and watched a dirty blonde girl emerge out of a back room in the shop.

"Errrrr-en?" she drawled, looking down briefly at the paper she held in her hand. He stood up, confused. "Your special is ready." She turned and disappeared back from where she came, leaving him wide-eyed in the front of the shop.

A hand on the small of his back forced him away from the table. "Go," Armin hissed. Eren stumbled forward, weaving behind the store counter and catching up to the employee.

"This room," she said, stopping at an unmarked room on the right end of the hallway. This "coffee" shop was a lot bigger than it seemed. Shooting her an inquiring glance, Eren began turning the door handle. He opened his mouth to ask what exactly was going on, but her retreating figure forced the question back down. Clearing his throat, he stepped inside.

…. Well.

Not a meth lab, Eren decided. A bright red throne stood in the center of the small room, probably an expression of Christmas spirit. Dark wood extended from the seat and curved into elegant legs that rested against the black-and-white tiled floor, reflecting the light emanating from the sconces embedded in the walls.

"Sit."

A very unmanly shriek came from Eren's mouth as he scrambled to sit his ass down on the velvet covering the chair. He blushed a bright red when he realized that he wasn't alone in the room, noticing for the first time the other occupant.

A short man stood in front of him, eyes narrowed in a glare that contrasted nicely with the Santa hat perched jauntily on his head. Black hair covered part of his forehead, disappearing underneath the fur lining of the hat. He wore a white shirt with rolled-up sleeves, the top two buttons undone to reveal a _fine _set of collarbones – Shit. The word "delectable" definitely just slipped through Eren's mind.

"H-hi there," Eren blurted. "What's your name? I'm Eren. My friends brought me here tonight and ordered me a drink and it's Christmas Eve and I – "

The man smirked, cutting him off. "Do you even know why you're here?" Eren shook his head nervously, and he could've sworn that a glint appeared in the strange man's gray eyes. The man stepped forward.

"Poor kid," he clucked. "How about…" he murmured in Eren's ear, leaning far too close for comfort, "… I show you?"

"M-my friends paid for wh-whatever this is, not me," Eren stuttered, feeling his cheeks on fire. He gripped the armrests of the chair rather hard, looking anywhere but at the man looming in front of him.

"They paid well," he said, grabbing a fistful of Eren's hair and tilting his head upward. One of his knees nudged Eren's thighs apart, inching toward his pants. "You gay?"

"No," Eren gasped breathily, gazing into the man's gray eyes.

Before Eren even knew what was happening, a pair of lips descended upon his own. He stilled in shock as his green eyes widened, unresponsive to the man's ministrations.

The man pulled away before Eren could find the strength to push him away, wiping his mouth with a hand. "You're a loud one, I can already tell." He took a step backward, sizing up the scared brunette. "This'll be fun."

"What the fuck?" Eren managed after he found his voice (which definitely wasn't an octave higher than normal, no, not at all), bringing his legs back together and trying to stare the man down. Not intimidating enough, apparently, because the black-haired man walked back up to Eren's seat and placed his arms on either side of his head.

"Why don't you shut up, and you can leave sooner?" he asked, bringing his face closer to Eren's until they were almost nose-to-nose. Eren's breath hitched and _wow, _he thought, _this is not good I'm not gay nope nope not in the slightest I'm definitely – _

Too late. The man's lips claimed his own and when Eren gasped, a slick tongue slipped into the brunette's mouth. The battle for dominance wasn't really much of a fight, and Eren closed his eyes and let the man swipe the muscle around his mouth; the guy tasted like fucking heaven, if Eren wanted to be honest (which he didn't). Mint and sugar and chocolate, maybe.

Jerking a little, Eren opened his eyes far too quickly when he realized that there were hands fumbling with the buttons of his shirt. They popped open one by one even as the man continued molesting Eren's mouth, and soon his chest lay bare to the man's sweeping gaze. Two fingers trailed down his collarbone to rest against one of his nipples, and Eren's brow furrowed when the man took the bud in between them and pinched.

He tried not to make any noise, but a breathless moan escaped anyway as he broke away from the kiss, gasping for air. The fingers continued to fondle Eren's nipple, and the man brought his mouth up to the other one and began to suck.

"F-fuck," Eren murmured, clenching his fingers against the armrest and trying to stop his eyes from fluttering shut. That man's tongue should be illegal.

Actually, this whole thing was probably illegal anyway, but Eren tried not to dwell on that. Instead, he focused on the growing tightness of his jeans and _that fucking mouth, shit._

The man took his mouth away from Eren's chest, kissing softly down his navel and dangerously close to the line of his boxers. "Still straight?" he asked, pausing momentarily. Eren chose not to answer, hoping that the man would take a hint and do something about the restricting pants.

He noticed, apparently, catching Eren's gaze with his own and reaching to slowly undo the buckle of his belt. Palming the clothed erection with a hand, he rubbed the area in an agonizing circle, drawing a whine from Eren. A smirk graced his face as he finally relented, pulling Eren's zipper down. He tugged the ends of his jeans until the garment fell into a heap at the base of the chair, leaving Eren with his crimson cheeks and black briefs.

Cold hands grasped Eren by the hips, pulling him forward so that his ass was on the edge of the seat. Fingers hooked underneath the elastic extending around his hips and slid the boxers all the way down, yanking them away from his ankles and tossing them next to his pants.

Eren's cock stood against his abdomen, glistening with precum. "What a virgin," the man scoffed before taking the leaking appendage into one hand and tugging firmly. He wrapped his fingers around Eren's girth before lowering his mouth onto his dick, beginning to move up and down.

"A-ah," Eren sighed as the warmth engulfed his cock.

"Levi. That's what you can call me."

Managing to quirk an eyebrow, Eren tried the name out on his tongue. "L-Levi…" The man looked up briefly, lips tugging upward in a smirk before sticking his tongue out and dragging it up Eren's length. "… Fuck, Levi," Eren muttered, tilting his head back until he leaned against the back of the chair, chocolate-tinted hair falling against his forehead.

Levi continued sucking, and Eren could feel the pleasure coiling in the bottom of his stomach. He bit his lip and tried to keep his legs from trembling, managing to buck his hips weakly before Levi put a firm hand on his thigh to stop him.

The man pulled away with a small _pop_, sitting back on his knees to view the panting mess before him. "Get up and turn around," he commanded.

"What the hell?" Eren asked, confused and lightheaded from the all the blood rushing south.

"I don't want to spend all night with a shithead like you," Levi snapped. "Hurry the fuck up."

Eren jerked a little at the harsh words, blushing. He peeled himself off the chair slowly, turning to face the chair.

"Ass up, hands on the armrests."

_Uh, how about no_, Eren thought, whipping his head back to stare at the man. He seemed pretty damn serious about what he said, though, and Eren resigned himself and did as he was told. Clenching his hands on the sides of the chair, he stewed in silence about the rather… compromising position his friends had indirectly subjected him to.

So of course he ended up _squealing_ when something cold pressed against his asshole.

"Merry Christmas, right?" Levi purred as he snuck a hand around Eren's waist to tug at his cock again. His other hand started to force the cold object into Eren's ass, twisting slightly when Eren let out a quiet whimper.

… Fuck Jean and fuck Armin, because Eren was literally fucked right now.

"You like that, yeah?" Instead of answering, Eren shut his eyes tightly at the intrusion and tried to focus on not letting out any more embarrassing noises. "Is that a no?"

Levi rubbed a thumb against the head of Eren's dick as he rammed the object in, drawing a muffled moan from Eren's throat. "I'd say you're a fucking liar." He continued thrusting it in and out, drawing more uninhibited whines from Eren.

"Don't –" Eren started to say , stopping when his ears picked up the sound of a zipper being undone. The object was suddenly replaced by something much thicker and warmer. "Sh-shit."

A sigh came from behind Eren as the man slowly pushed himself inside his ass. Tears sprang into Eren's eyes, his fingers digging into the fabric of the chair. Levi nipped his collarbone, kissing up his jaw until his lips rested against his ear. "Relax."

Eren clenched his jaw. "You try having a dick shoved up your ass," he muttered, loosening his hold on the armrests a little anyway.

The man chuckled. "Been there already. I know how it feels." One of his arms snaked around Eren's waist, pulling him flush against his chest. In this position, his dick filled Eren to the hilt. He let go of Eren slightly, pulling his hips back.

"But it'll feel better," he assured Eren before grunting and thrusting forward. Wet slapping sounds filled the room, soon joined by Eren's soft keens of pleasure. Levi wrapped his fingers around Eren's cock, stroking him in time with his thrusts.

The warmth started to pool in his stomach again, and Eren muttered a few expletives when the man sped up, probably noticing that Eren was close. "Hnngh… Right th-there.. "Stars seemed to explode against his closed eyelids as the man thrust against something inside Eren, pleasure shooting through all his limbs.

"Found it," Levi said, grinding against that spot. Eren let out a strangled cry as the stimulation was finally too much, cumming all over the man's hand. A small grunt came from behind him as Levi gave one final thrust before pulling out of Eren's ass.

Eren rested his sweaty head against the chair, ass still in the air (and probably bright red, like his face). He glanced behind him, watching Levi remove a condom from his softening dick and throw it in a trashcan positioned in a far corner of the room. A tired sigh escaped from his lips, and he closed his eyes.

"Don't fall asleep," Levi warned, walking up behind Eren and swatting at his thigh. Eren stood up abruptly, startled. He rubbed the back of neck sheepishly.

"Sorry." His eyebrows crunched together in the middle, as if he was considering something. "U-um, Levi?"

"What?" the man returned, annoyed. His clothes were all back on, and not a hair seemed out of place. _What the actual hell._

"…What was the _thing_ you used before you … uh –" Eren turned crimson for what seemed like the billionth time that night, trying to ask his question. Instead of answering, Levi pointed at a jar sitting on a counter on the side of the room.

Candy canes.

"…Oh." Striding to the door far too casually, Eren tried to hide his burning face from Levi's inquiring glance.

Eren swore to himself that he would never eat another candy cane as long as he lived.

As he opened the door, something hit the back of his head. "Take your clothes," said the voice behind him.


End file.
